stupid.

i hate it when i make stupid mistakes. when i trust too much too easily. when i don't learn from previous mistakes. hate it. and if you're wondering where this venom is from, read the post titled "tools". yeah, i know. same guy. almost same mistake. same hurt. i have to get out of this cycle.

the andra funk

I hate this feeling that comes around. This sadness that invades my life for no good reason. What starts it? I’m not really sure. And what is that saying about the romance of sadness? Because that’s completely unreal.

I’m done with the smile that is such work to put on. I just want to be happy. Is that so hard?

So today I’m done. Done with the sadness. The unhappiness. The hatred. The anger. The frustration. I’m done with letting good things in my life be corrupted with bad attitudes or feelings. I’m done with letting this junk dictate the defining moments of my life. I’m done with this stronghold that allows Satan to own me. Done with all of that crap.

For the next ten days (at least), I am refusing to let anything steal joy from me. And I will be happy. No matter what comes up.

where i'm at

summer is more than half over. i'm so different. praise the lord

a few things i'm starting to get.

i cannot control some things. i cannot know everything. and i cannot always do the best thing. there are some things that i may never fully understand.... and i need to just go with. sometimes i just need to go with the flow.

this job that i love but struggle with is going to make sense one day. even though i am jealous of the opportunities that my friends have had with various ministries this summer, my time will come.

a quote from evening, "if you insist on screwing over everything and everyone, there is a good chance that you will end up alone." thats me. and that has to change.

absence really does make the heart grow fonder.

sometimes we really underestimate the worth of other people's perspectives.

ministry really is where i need to be going... love that. love love love that.

the heart on my hand

its on my left hand.

its a symbol of how i want to be. freely loving. regardless of the stuff. i don't want to care about the legalistic issues. i want to care about people. i want to stop using judgment as condemnation, and start using it as evaluation. i get so caught up in things that realistically should not even matter.

and where did the spiritual arrogance that i hear in my voice come from? because i hate it. i hate knowing that it has slipped into my vocabulary. its like poison. and i cannot have it anymore.

i need to be real. and i need to be realistic.

so the heart on my hand says that i need to be as unconditional in love as i have received.

and it makes my mom talk about how she doesn't love tatoos.

following

thinking back on the year at the arbor... i remember the first few weeks, when everyone was asking about my goals, my major, and my plans for after graduation. all i could say was that i needed to go back to kenya. my degree will be in social work... and in some way, somehow i need to be helping there. and people stared. to them, africa was a faraway place... not a reality.

so i spent the year with these people. and i began to build friendships. these people became greater parts of my life, while the people from home became just a little more distant. people at the arbor saw my desires and passions.... and they saw the way that i would normally fit into that world, and they encouraged me. i appreciate that support so much.... but the thing that we were all forgetting was what God is calling me to.

i love being a part of the arbor. i love that i get the opportunity to serve as an RA this coming fall. but the problem was that i began to fall into plans... mine.

proverbs 19:21 says it best: "many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails."

the plans of my heart pointed towards residence life after graduation... i loved the idea. but in the back of my mind, i knew that the Lord's purpose for me was getting farther and farther away.

so i just kept getting through school and refused to stop and spend time with God about the issue. he and i both knew that something needed to be done, but i was too stubborn. finally, i came home, and i couldn't push it away anymore.

it began with a speaker at a youth function that asked "are you afraid that God is calling you to something too big?" my answer was yes. but a reluctant one.

so then sunday came. i was just chillin with my mom and a friend, with espresso in hand, my friend asked my mom if she has considered going to kenya next summer. my mom answered with "well, i know that andra is going to end up in kenya, so i don't feel like i really need to go right now. i will probably just wait until she is there."

what! i couldn't believe that my mom's faith in my going to kenya was so much stronger than my own. and the idea that my trust had fallen that far shocked me.

finally 707 ( a modern worship service at night) was the final straw. the first song was "your grace is enough" by chris tomlin... "great is your faithfulness o God, you wrestle with the sinner's heart" God had me at the first line. i have spent the last year wrestling with God about kenya. i knew it.

moving into the message. what is keeping you from following Jesus? basically, the conviction that i was experiencing was the most intense that i can remember, and my parents could feel is from 4 seats away.

there was one illustration that hit my dad: a girl felt called to teaching in the inner-city, but her parents were concerned about the danger. they wanted her to teach in a suburb, somewhere safe. and there is nothing wrong with that... except that God was not calling her to the suburb. so the girl, at 19, had to decide if she was going to let her relationship with her parents be her reason for not truly following Jesus. My dad kept leaning forward throughout the story... and then it hit him, that i am going to have to choose if a relationship is going to hold me back. And my dad knows that i love him. but he also knows that i cannot abandon God's call. and this was like a refresher for him.

in short. God took every piece of me that was resisting his call, and he proved it wrong. he took the emotion out. he brought me to a place of surrender. and i couldn't refuse anymore.

so now, its time for me to quit wasting my life making plans. its time for me to start building relationships with the African contacts that i have... and its time to actually follow Jesus.

miss independent

so i've been told that i've become very free-spirited and independent.

and i suppose its true. but the funny thing is that part of me has always wanted to be that way. i've just never really felt like it. i mean other than when i'm driving with the convertible top down on a sunny day...

but on the other hand, i don't think people realize how much i need them. not in the "i just couldn't live without you" kind of way, but rather in the "i love that you're part of my life" way. there is a reason that i have friends. i think they are awesome.

so the free-spirited idea is also up for debate. in one sense, i have become my own person. however at the same time, i can see all the ways that i have transformed and conformed to various pieces of my life. right now i feel like i'm a really fluid person. i become what i need to become based upon the situation. not that i'm a jelly-fish. just that i will adjust and compensate to be what is needed.

basically, its all about perspective. i do want to be independent and free-spirited (not in the hippie- pot smoking way) but that doesn't necessarily mean that i've arrived in either of those destinations.

empty

my room is half empty.

my first year at the arbor is almost over. the memories... the people...

i was telling a friend earlier, i think good-bye is my least favorite word. it seems as if we are always working towards an ending, but now its here, and i'm not ready.

i know this summer will be amazing and next year will be even better. but i like how things are right now. and i will miss people. i will miss this life this summer.

in short, things are getting emotional here at the dorm. leaving is never easy.

one of those days

its one of those days. on of those days when my relationship with God is clicking. when i'm making new friends, and growing closer to other friends. its just one of those days that reminds you why the difficult ones are worth it.

its not about everything in life being perfect. or about me being perfect, because i'm not. its about making the most out of whats here now.

back it up

i hate this feeling. i'm overwhelmed by emotion. and i can't really tell you why. other than this one thought that keeps running through my mind.

maybe its because you will be semi-unreachable for a few months. or maybe its that i feel like whatever "us" could have been just got shut down.

i'm not going to lie, i don't get this. i know that its your dream, but why? or a better question is why can't i support it? it probably has something to do with the fact that i don't know if this is really the best option for you. but who knows. maybe this experience will change your heart. maybe it will give you direction and passion.

regardless, if i really care the way i say i do, now is the time to back it up. its time for me to support your dreams. to encourage you, rather than asking endless questions. because if i really care, then i am going to have your back on this.

so while i'm waiting for you to come home, i'll pray. for your experience, and for my attitude.

misconceptions

perceptions.

this is what i think you think.

this is what i think you mean.

this is what gets in the way of communication. we're reading too much into everything, and thus expressing what we think the other person wants to hear.

i'm sick of that. lets say what we mean. clearly. without room for misconception. that way we don't have to fight or worry. that way we can just know that we're cool. that way we can just rest in the security of our relationship.

or maybe thats just too idealistic.

the beauty of growth

is conflict ever beautiful? you may be saying no... but right now, i am saying yes.

when something awesome emerges after something nasty, the conflict between the two is wonderful. the nasty referring to the past blog... the point is that this is just a small example of why hurt is a necessary part of this world.

as an almost perpetually positive person, i hate not feeling good. more than just a general, "no one likes being hurt" i hate it with a passion. thus, i have a hard time acknowledging the benefits therein. but i'm beginning to understand rather than just knowing.

to live without hurt would be sheltered and unrealistic. i usually watch this kind of pain from the outside, possibly from the shoulder to cry on perspective, but its different to feel it. to be torn between anger and forgiveness. to be swimming within my own advice, wondering if i will actually take it.

its one of those growing things... which i love to watch... and try to love doing...

tools

why is it that we must play upon each other's feelings? why can't love be love? and like be like? and infatuation be what it is? why must we force feelings into molds and definitions that they don't belong in?

they say the truth hurts... but i think the confusion hurts more. lets forget about what we dreamed the relationship would be. lets leave it where it is, and quit trying to make it into more. maybe friendship is what is meant for us. so accept that. quit banking on the fact that i care. just because you know that doesn't mean you should be abusing your knowledge.

i don't want to live in the dream world anymore. "In between 'once upon a time' and 'they lived happily ever after' is called now. And in the now there are all kinds of failure we have to live with. Failure can change us, shape us, teach us, and motivate us. Failure can be our friend." says Erwin McManus. So lets take his words. Lets consider this failure, and let it be our friend. and if nothingness is too much for you to handle lets be friends.

but be aware, the more your break my heart, the harder it is for me to hear from you, talk to you, or see you. so be careful. because you are walking on thin ice.

you see, my heart was healing. we needed to be strangers for a while. but that isn't working for you. so here you are, tearing at my heart. making a mess of this.

and the worst thing is, you're a good guy. you are. everyone says so. and you aren't verbally or physically abusive in any way. yet somehow. i'm sitting here, blogging. blogging about letting go.

moving on.

which is exactly what you need to do.

because i still am. even with this going on. i still know that it is time to move on.

apathetic? not so much...

lately I’ve realized that I am emotional. No matter how much I want to be laid back and relaxed, I am still full of emotions. I cannot help but care.

For example, the VA Tech tragedy. Do I know anyone involved? No. Does my heart still ache for them? Yes.

Or what about last night…. My friend and I weren’t communicating clearly. Its not that something was wrong between us. We weren’t arguing, fighting, etc. We just were not understanding what was happening with the other person and we had no time to figure it out. So I went to sleep frustrated. Not just a little frustrated, but a lot. This morning we ran into each other, and talked about the miscommunication. Each of us were confused and sad because we felt like the other person was saying something that was not being said. So now, everything is fine. But its another great example of how I respond emotionally.

I care. Whether I know you or not, I care. My heart overflows, and I cannot stop it. But do I really want to? Or maybe instead of changing this part of me, I should just realize that simple fact and apply that knowledge to the situations.

The key factor in this is that its about people. I am passionate about people and building relationships. The unfortunate thing is that the passion does not cover projects. Do I want to do well with physical tasks? Yes. Is that where my heart is? No.

thus in a culture of apathy, I cannot conform. I cannot help but care.

wherever you are

wherever you are, be ALL there. --j. riggleman

thats the reasoning behind the title. this is the part of my life that i am going to be at spring arbor. this is the time that all i have to give needs to be put into building relationships and getting my degree. so here i am.