its on my left hand.
its a symbol of how i want to be. freely loving. regardless of the stuff. i don't want to care about the legalistic issues. i want to care about people. i want to stop using judgment as condemnation, and start using it as evaluation. i get so caught up in things that realistically should not even matter.
and where did the spiritual arrogance that i hear in my voice come from? because i hate it. i hate knowing that it has slipped into my vocabulary. its like poison. and i cannot have it anymore.
i need to be real. and i need to be realistic.
so the heart on my hand says that i need to be as unconditional in love as i have received.
and it makes my mom talk about how she doesn't love tatoos.
Monday, June 18, 2007
Saturday, June 2, 2007
following
thinking back on the year at the arbor... i remember the first few weeks, when everyone was asking about my goals, my major, and my plans for after graduation. all i could say was that i needed to go back to kenya. my degree will be in social work... and in some way, somehow i need to be helping there. and people stared. to them, africa was a faraway place... not a reality.
so i spent the year with these people. and i began to build friendships. these people became greater parts of my life, while the people from home became just a little more distant. people at the arbor saw my desires and passions.... and they saw the way that i would normally fit into that world, and they encouraged me. i appreciate that support so much.... but the thing that we were all forgetting was what God is calling me to.
i love being a part of the arbor. i love that i get the opportunity to serve as an RA this coming fall. but the problem was that i began to fall into plans... mine.
proverbs 19:21 says it best: "many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails."
the plans of my heart pointed towards residence life after graduation... i loved the idea. but in the back of my mind, i knew that the Lord's purpose for me was getting farther and farther away.
so i just kept getting through school and refused to stop and spend time with God about the issue. he and i both knew that something needed to be done, but i was too stubborn. finally, i came home, and i couldn't push it away anymore.
it began with a speaker at a youth function that asked "are you afraid that God is calling you to something too big?" my answer was yes. but a reluctant one.
so then sunday came. i was just chillin with my mom and a friend, with espresso in hand, my friend asked my mom if she has considered going to kenya next summer. my mom answered with "well, i know that andra is going to end up in kenya, so i don't feel like i really need to go right now. i will probably just wait until she is there."
what! i couldn't believe that my mom's faith in my going to kenya was so much stronger than my own. and the idea that my trust had fallen that far shocked me.
finally 707 ( a modern worship service at night) was the final straw. the first song was "your grace is enough" by chris tomlin... "great is your faithfulness o God, you wrestle with the sinner's heart" God had me at the first line. i have spent the last year wrestling with God about kenya. i knew it.
moving into the message. what is keeping you from following Jesus? basically, the conviction that i was experiencing was the most intense that i can remember, and my parents could feel is from 4 seats away.
there was one illustration that hit my dad: a girl felt called to teaching in the inner-city, but her parents were concerned about the danger. they wanted her to teach in a suburb, somewhere safe. and there is nothing wrong with that... except that God was not calling her to the suburb. so the girl, at 19, had to decide if she was going to let her relationship with her parents be her reason for not truly following Jesus. My dad kept leaning forward throughout the story... and then it hit him, that i am going to have to choose if a relationship is going to hold me back. And my dad knows that i love him. but he also knows that i cannot abandon God's call. and this was like a refresher for him.
in short. God took every piece of me that was resisting his call, and he proved it wrong. he took the emotion out. he brought me to a place of surrender. and i couldn't refuse anymore.
so now, its time for me to quit wasting my life making plans. its time for me to start building relationships with the African contacts that i have... and its time to actually follow Jesus.
so i spent the year with these people. and i began to build friendships. these people became greater parts of my life, while the people from home became just a little more distant. people at the arbor saw my desires and passions.... and they saw the way that i would normally fit into that world, and they encouraged me. i appreciate that support so much.... but the thing that we were all forgetting was what God is calling me to.
i love being a part of the arbor. i love that i get the opportunity to serve as an RA this coming fall. but the problem was that i began to fall into plans... mine.
proverbs 19:21 says it best: "many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails."
the plans of my heart pointed towards residence life after graduation... i loved the idea. but in the back of my mind, i knew that the Lord's purpose for me was getting farther and farther away.
so i just kept getting through school and refused to stop and spend time with God about the issue. he and i both knew that something needed to be done, but i was too stubborn. finally, i came home, and i couldn't push it away anymore.
it began with a speaker at a youth function that asked "are you afraid that God is calling you to something too big?" my answer was yes. but a reluctant one.
so then sunday came. i was just chillin with my mom and a friend, with espresso in hand, my friend asked my mom if she has considered going to kenya next summer. my mom answered with "well, i know that andra is going to end up in kenya, so i don't feel like i really need to go right now. i will probably just wait until she is there."
what! i couldn't believe that my mom's faith in my going to kenya was so much stronger than my own. and the idea that my trust had fallen that far shocked me.
finally 707 ( a modern worship service at night) was the final straw. the first song was "your grace is enough" by chris tomlin... "great is your faithfulness o God, you wrestle with the sinner's heart" God had me at the first line. i have spent the last year wrestling with God about kenya. i knew it.
moving into the message. what is keeping you from following Jesus? basically, the conviction that i was experiencing was the most intense that i can remember, and my parents could feel is from 4 seats away.
there was one illustration that hit my dad: a girl felt called to teaching in the inner-city, but her parents were concerned about the danger. they wanted her to teach in a suburb, somewhere safe. and there is nothing wrong with that... except that God was not calling her to the suburb. so the girl, at 19, had to decide if she was going to let her relationship with her parents be her reason for not truly following Jesus. My dad kept leaning forward throughout the story... and then it hit him, that i am going to have to choose if a relationship is going to hold me back. And my dad knows that i love him. but he also knows that i cannot abandon God's call. and this was like a refresher for him.
in short. God took every piece of me that was resisting his call, and he proved it wrong. he took the emotion out. he brought me to a place of surrender. and i couldn't refuse anymore.
so now, its time for me to quit wasting my life making plans. its time for me to start building relationships with the African contacts that i have... and its time to actually follow Jesus.
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