i hate this feeling. i'm overwhelmed by emotion. and i can't really tell you why. other than this one thought that keeps running through my mind.
maybe its because you will be semi-unreachable for a few months. or maybe its that i feel like whatever "us" could have been just got shut down.
i'm not going to lie, i don't get this. i know that its your dream, but why? or a better question is why can't i support it? it probably has something to do with the fact that i don't know if this is really the best option for you. but who knows. maybe this experience will change your heart. maybe it will give you direction and passion.
regardless, if i really care the way i say i do, now is the time to back it up. its time for me to support your dreams. to encourage you, rather than asking endless questions. because if i really care, then i am going to have your back on this.
so while i'm waiting for you to come home, i'll pray. for your experience, and for my attitude.
Monday, April 30, 2007
Friday, April 27, 2007
misconceptions
perceptions.
this is what i think you think.
this is what i think you mean.
this is what gets in the way of communication. we're reading too much into everything, and thus expressing what we think the other person wants to hear.
i'm sick of that. lets say what we mean. clearly. without room for misconception. that way we don't have to fight or worry. that way we can just know that we're cool. that way we can just rest in the security of our relationship.
or maybe thats just too idealistic.
this is what i think you think.
this is what i think you mean.
this is what gets in the way of communication. we're reading too much into everything, and thus expressing what we think the other person wants to hear.
i'm sick of that. lets say what we mean. clearly. without room for misconception. that way we don't have to fight or worry. that way we can just know that we're cool. that way we can just rest in the security of our relationship.
or maybe thats just too idealistic.
Tuesday, April 24, 2007
the beauty of growth
is conflict ever beautiful? you may be saying no... but right now, i am saying yes.
when something awesome emerges after something nasty, the conflict between the two is wonderful. the nasty referring to the past blog... the point is that this is just a small example of why hurt is a necessary part of this world.
as an almost perpetually positive person, i hate not feeling good. more than just a general, "no one likes being hurt" i hate it with a passion. thus, i have a hard time acknowledging the benefits therein. but i'm beginning to understand rather than just knowing.
to live without hurt would be sheltered and unrealistic. i usually watch this kind of pain from the outside, possibly from the shoulder to cry on perspective, but its different to feel it. to be torn between anger and forgiveness. to be swimming within my own advice, wondering if i will actually take it.
its one of those growing things... which i love to watch... and try to love doing...
when something awesome emerges after something nasty, the conflict between the two is wonderful. the nasty referring to the past blog... the point is that this is just a small example of why hurt is a necessary part of this world.
as an almost perpetually positive person, i hate not feeling good. more than just a general, "no one likes being hurt" i hate it with a passion. thus, i have a hard time acknowledging the benefits therein. but i'm beginning to understand rather than just knowing.
to live without hurt would be sheltered and unrealistic. i usually watch this kind of pain from the outside, possibly from the shoulder to cry on perspective, but its different to feel it. to be torn between anger and forgiveness. to be swimming within my own advice, wondering if i will actually take it.
its one of those growing things... which i love to watch... and try to love doing...
Monday, April 23, 2007
tools
why is it that we must play upon each other's feelings? why can't love be love? and like be like? and infatuation be what it is? why must we force feelings into molds and definitions that they don't belong in?
they say the truth hurts... but i think the confusion hurts more. lets forget about what we dreamed the relationship would be. lets leave it where it is, and quit trying to make it into more. maybe friendship is what is meant for us. so accept that. quit banking on the fact that i care. just because you know that doesn't mean you should be abusing your knowledge.
i don't want to live in the dream world anymore. "In between 'once upon a time' and 'they lived happily ever after' is called now. And in the now there are all kinds of failure we have to live with. Failure can change us, shape us, teach us, and motivate us. Failure can be our friend." says Erwin McManus. So lets take his words. Lets consider this failure, and let it be our friend. and if nothingness is too much for you to handle lets be friends.
but be aware, the more your break my heart, the harder it is for me to hear from you, talk to you, or see you. so be careful. because you are walking on thin ice.
you see, my heart was healing. we needed to be strangers for a while. but that isn't working for you. so here you are, tearing at my heart. making a mess of this.
and the worst thing is, you're a good guy. you are. everyone says so. and you aren't verbally or physically abusive in any way. yet somehow. i'm sitting here, blogging. blogging about letting go.
moving on.
which is exactly what you need to do.
because i still am. even with this going on. i still know that it is time to move on.
they say the truth hurts... but i think the confusion hurts more. lets forget about what we dreamed the relationship would be. lets leave it where it is, and quit trying to make it into more. maybe friendship is what is meant for us. so accept that. quit banking on the fact that i care. just because you know that doesn't mean you should be abusing your knowledge.
i don't want to live in the dream world anymore. "In between 'once upon a time' and 'they lived happily ever after' is called now. And in the now there are all kinds of failure we have to live with. Failure can change us, shape us, teach us, and motivate us. Failure can be our friend." says Erwin McManus. So lets take his words. Lets consider this failure, and let it be our friend. and if nothingness is too much for you to handle lets be friends.
but be aware, the more your break my heart, the harder it is for me to hear from you, talk to you, or see you. so be careful. because you are walking on thin ice.
you see, my heart was healing. we needed to be strangers for a while. but that isn't working for you. so here you are, tearing at my heart. making a mess of this.
and the worst thing is, you're a good guy. you are. everyone says so. and you aren't verbally or physically abusive in any way. yet somehow. i'm sitting here, blogging. blogging about letting go.
moving on.
which is exactly what you need to do.
because i still am. even with this going on. i still know that it is time to move on.
Wednesday, April 18, 2007
apathetic? not so much...
lately I’ve realized that I am emotional. No matter how much I want to be laid back and relaxed, I am still full of emotions. I cannot help but care.
For example, the VA Tech tragedy. Do I know anyone involved? No. Does my heart still ache for them? Yes.
Or what about last night…. My friend and I weren’t communicating clearly. Its not that something was wrong between us. We weren’t arguing, fighting, etc. We just were not understanding what was happening with the other person and we had no time to figure it out. So I went to sleep frustrated. Not just a little frustrated, but a lot. This morning we ran into each other, and talked about the miscommunication. Each of us were confused and sad because we felt like the other person was saying something that was not being said. So now, everything is fine. But its another great example of how I respond emotionally.
I care. Whether I know you or not, I care. My heart overflows, and I cannot stop it. But do I really want to? Or maybe instead of changing this part of me, I should just realize that simple fact and apply that knowledge to the situations.
The key factor in this is that its about people. I am passionate about people and building relationships. The unfortunate thing is that the passion does not cover projects. Do I want to do well with physical tasks? Yes. Is that where my heart is? No.
thus in a culture of apathy, I cannot conform. I cannot help but care.
For example, the VA Tech tragedy. Do I know anyone involved? No. Does my heart still ache for them? Yes.
Or what about last night…. My friend and I weren’t communicating clearly. Its not that something was wrong between us. We weren’t arguing, fighting, etc. We just were not understanding what was happening with the other person and we had no time to figure it out. So I went to sleep frustrated. Not just a little frustrated, but a lot. This morning we ran into each other, and talked about the miscommunication. Each of us were confused and sad because we felt like the other person was saying something that was not being said. So now, everything is fine. But its another great example of how I respond emotionally.
I care. Whether I know you or not, I care. My heart overflows, and I cannot stop it. But do I really want to? Or maybe instead of changing this part of me, I should just realize that simple fact and apply that knowledge to the situations.
The key factor in this is that its about people. I am passionate about people and building relationships. The unfortunate thing is that the passion does not cover projects. Do I want to do well with physical tasks? Yes. Is that where my heart is? No.
thus in a culture of apathy, I cannot conform. I cannot help but care.
wherever you are
wherever you are, be ALL there. --j. riggleman
thats the reasoning behind the title. this is the part of my life that i am going to be at spring arbor. this is the time that all i have to give needs to be put into building relationships and getting my degree. so here i am.
thats the reasoning behind the title. this is the part of my life that i am going to be at spring arbor. this is the time that all i have to give needs to be put into building relationships and getting my degree. so here i am.
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