miss independent

so i've been told that i've become very free-spirited and independent.

and i suppose its true. but the funny thing is that part of me has always wanted to be that way. i've just never really felt like it. i mean other than when i'm driving with the convertible top down on a sunny day...

but on the other hand, i don't think people realize how much i need them. not in the "i just couldn't live without you" kind of way, but rather in the "i love that you're part of my life" way. there is a reason that i have friends. i think they are awesome.

so the free-spirited idea is also up for debate. in one sense, i have become my own person. however at the same time, i can see all the ways that i have transformed and conformed to various pieces of my life. right now i feel like i'm a really fluid person. i become what i need to become based upon the situation. not that i'm a jelly-fish. just that i will adjust and compensate to be what is needed.

basically, its all about perspective. i do want to be independent and free-spirited (not in the hippie- pot smoking way) but that doesn't necessarily mean that i've arrived in either of those destinations.

empty

my room is half empty.

my first year at the arbor is almost over. the memories... the people...

i was telling a friend earlier, i think good-bye is my least favorite word. it seems as if we are always working towards an ending, but now its here, and i'm not ready.

i know this summer will be amazing and next year will be even better. but i like how things are right now. and i will miss people. i will miss this life this summer.

in short, things are getting emotional here at the dorm. leaving is never easy.

one of those days

its one of those days. on of those days when my relationship with God is clicking. when i'm making new friends, and growing closer to other friends. its just one of those days that reminds you why the difficult ones are worth it.

its not about everything in life being perfect. or about me being perfect, because i'm not. its about making the most out of whats here now.

back it up

i hate this feeling. i'm overwhelmed by emotion. and i can't really tell you why. other than this one thought that keeps running through my mind.

maybe its because you will be semi-unreachable for a few months. or maybe its that i feel like whatever "us" could have been just got shut down.

i'm not going to lie, i don't get this. i know that its your dream, but why? or a better question is why can't i support it? it probably has something to do with the fact that i don't know if this is really the best option for you. but who knows. maybe this experience will change your heart. maybe it will give you direction and passion.

regardless, if i really care the way i say i do, now is the time to back it up. its time for me to support your dreams. to encourage you, rather than asking endless questions. because if i really care, then i am going to have your back on this.

so while i'm waiting for you to come home, i'll pray. for your experience, and for my attitude.

misconceptions

perceptions.

this is what i think you think.

this is what i think you mean.

this is what gets in the way of communication. we're reading too much into everything, and thus expressing what we think the other person wants to hear.

i'm sick of that. lets say what we mean. clearly. without room for misconception. that way we don't have to fight or worry. that way we can just know that we're cool. that way we can just rest in the security of our relationship.

or maybe thats just too idealistic.

the beauty of growth

is conflict ever beautiful? you may be saying no... but right now, i am saying yes.

when something awesome emerges after something nasty, the conflict between the two is wonderful. the nasty referring to the past blog... the point is that this is just a small example of why hurt is a necessary part of this world.

as an almost perpetually positive person, i hate not feeling good. more than just a general, "no one likes being hurt" i hate it with a passion. thus, i have a hard time acknowledging the benefits therein. but i'm beginning to understand rather than just knowing.

to live without hurt would be sheltered and unrealistic. i usually watch this kind of pain from the outside, possibly from the shoulder to cry on perspective, but its different to feel it. to be torn between anger and forgiveness. to be swimming within my own advice, wondering if i will actually take it.

its one of those growing things... which i love to watch... and try to love doing...

tools

why is it that we must play upon each other's feelings? why can't love be love? and like be like? and infatuation be what it is? why must we force feelings into molds and definitions that they don't belong in?

they say the truth hurts... but i think the confusion hurts more. lets forget about what we dreamed the relationship would be. lets leave it where it is, and quit trying to make it into more. maybe friendship is what is meant for us. so accept that. quit banking on the fact that i care. just because you know that doesn't mean you should be abusing your knowledge.

i don't want to live in the dream world anymore. "In between 'once upon a time' and 'they lived happily ever after' is called now. And in the now there are all kinds of failure we have to live with. Failure can change us, shape us, teach us, and motivate us. Failure can be our friend." says Erwin McManus. So lets take his words. Lets consider this failure, and let it be our friend. and if nothingness is too much for you to handle lets be friends.

but be aware, the more your break my heart, the harder it is for me to hear from you, talk to you, or see you. so be careful. because you are walking on thin ice.

you see, my heart was healing. we needed to be strangers for a while. but that isn't working for you. so here you are, tearing at my heart. making a mess of this.

and the worst thing is, you're a good guy. you are. everyone says so. and you aren't verbally or physically abusive in any way. yet somehow. i'm sitting here, blogging. blogging about letting go.

moving on.

which is exactly what you need to do.

because i still am. even with this going on. i still know that it is time to move on.